Save Me From Myself
by ReidsLuvr93
Summary: When it comes to Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, no one knows who she really is. That all changes when Scott tracks her down. Can JJ ever deal with what she's done? Can she deal with what Walt did?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Italics represent the past. Underlined italics are dreams.**

**Set at no specific time. Before Will/JJ. **

…

_Childhood had no real meaning anymore. Days blurred together. Nights haunted me. Secrets. Truth. Lies. It all made no sense anymore. _

_I was lost, drowning in a world I did not belong. _

_Everything was my fault. Everyone blamed me; even my own mother. Yelling, screaming, everything always my fault. _

_As I blew out the eight candles atop my cake, I could feel nothing but _his _hand on my shoulder, _his _eyes watching my every move. My mother glared at me, her eyes burning into my flesh. _

_Why had she even given birth to me? Just to hate me? _

…

I barely noticed the knock on my door, I barely noticed Dr. Spencer Reid step into my office. I could barely hear him calling my name…

"JJ!" Reid said, his voice louder than I'd ever heard it; his eyes wide with panic. I lifted my head slowly, showing the sweet smile that was only skin deep. I forced my eyes to sparkle, just as I always had.

"Good morning Spence." I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Morning." He mumbled, "Hotch needs you in his office."

"Okay, be there in a minute." I said, smiling again; my _normal _cheery self. I watched Reid leave and sighed before finishing off my coffee and heading to Hotch's office.

"You wanted to see me?" I asked confidently.

"Sit." Hotch said, staring out the window.

"Is everything alright?" I asked.

"A case was sent directly to me, I wanted to brief you on it before I brief the others, it's…bad."

…

Young girls. Raped and murdered, everyone had just stared as Hotch presented the case. I knew this would be a case that would tear all of them apart in one way or another. I didn't know how many more of the cases I could stomach. Retirement at my age? I wondered if I would get any benefits...

I stared out the window of the plane as we cut through the skies; no one said a word, each in their own little world, trying to block out the horror of what was to come. My world was the least pleasant…one I would never escape.

… 

_His eyes, watching me always. His fingers pushed my golden hair behind my ears. _

"_Kitten, my sweet Kitten." He whispered, his hot breath fanned my face. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run; I had to settle for the tears that slid down my cheeks. _

_Mom. I wanted my mom. _

_Alone. _

_Always alone._

…

Two endless days had passed, with little progress. I lounged around my hotel room in my pajamas going over the case files. I stared at the crime scene photos, young girls posed; he _loved _them. That realization sent me running for the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach.

Sicko. This man was a complete sicko.

There was a quick tap on my door. I rinsed out my mouth and raced to answer it.

"Hey JJ," Prentiss said when I answered the down, looking me up and down. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I've been reviewing the files…" I said trying to fix my hair a little.

"Well, we're all going out, do you want to come?" She asked. I stared at her for a minute, how could they go out when a girl was being raped and murdered somewhere, a _young _girl. It took me only a minute to realize that this was how they relieved their stress. Going out would clear their minds so that they would work better tomorrow. I sighed and nodded my head.

"Just give me ten minutes."

…

_Shadows on the wall, growing closer…closer…_

_The door handle turned slowly, _he _was coming. I closed my eyes and waited until I felt the bed shift under his weight, warmth radiating off of his body. His breath fanned my face, soar, nauseating. _

_His hands slowly lowered the covers, leaving me exposed, shivering. Hot tears streaming. _

"_Please." I whimpered, _he _didn't seem to care. No one cared._

…

"JJ, JJ it's okay!" I heard Morgan saying calmly as I woke up the next morning.

Morgan? What was he doing here?

"Morgan?" I whispered, blinking.

"You were screaming; we…um…let ourselves in." He said; looking up towards Prentiss and Reid, who were watching me anxiously. Morgan's hand rested lightly on my shoulder, I shrugged away and climbed out of bed and into the bathroom. I was a mess, there were dark circles under my eyes, and my hair was a mess. I ran my fingers through my hair and rinsed my face.

"JJ are you okay?" Reid asked, standing in the doorway. I looked up at him with innocent eyes, when his concerned expression didn't relax I sighed.

"It's just the case." I said, it was half true.

"Do you need to take the day off?" He asked; I shook my head.

"No I got it, just give me half an hour to get cleaned up." They all nodded and left the room; I locked the door behind them, my body trembling. I leaned against the door and slid to the ground, warm tears escaping my eyes for the first time in years. I rocked back and forth, running my fingers through my hair. "Please." I whispered again and again. Nothing could erase the past.

…

**I don't know if I like how it starts but….I guess it'll do for now. **


	2. Chapter 2

"_Come on Hannah, we've been through too much, we need to finish." _

"_Yeah, we may be losers, but we're not quitters."_

…

We caught the bastard, his latest victim still alive. Sometimes I wondered if the survivors were really that…_survivors_.

I had been the one to find them first, in a bedroom in the basement. The unsub had run towards the stairs, I was just lucky Morgan had been coming down at the same time. I'd slowly walked towards the young girl, around seven or eight, blonde, blue eyes. When I knelt down in front of her she threw herself into my arms, sobbing against my shoulder. I held her tight and held back my own tears. I carried the young girl – Sarah – up the stairs and out of the house; the paramedics had to pry her from my arms, neither of us wanted to let go.

I'd watched them examine her, making sure she wasn't seriously wounded before taking her to the hospital. Prentiss had stood by my side, watching with me. Neither of us said a word.

…

When we landed I headed straight home, I sighed when I checked my mail, another letter.

_Scott Barringer_

Great.

I opened it and read it slowly.

"_Shelby,_

_I know it's you, why are you lying to everyone? Jennifer Jareau, where did you even come up with that? You're not a Jennifer._

_I don't understand Shell, when we graduated you seemed so much better. So _happy_. Everything that _he _did didn't matter to you anymore. Why did you abandon us? Abandon Jess!_

_She's living with me. She had nowhere to go. You know Walt's out of jail? He came after her. That's why we're here. That's why we're in the U.S._

_We need you Shell."_

I dropped the letter and walked to the window, wrapping my arms around myself. I stared at the snowflakes falling from the sky. I hated myself for all that I had done, but at least I knew that Jess was safe now.

…

I headed into work before the sun was even up, a cup of coffee in hand. There were a few people already at work when I got there, no one from my team though. I glanced at the people working as I headed to my office, wondering if they were hiding from something too.

Hours passed, people came and went. Small talk, asking about cases, it was a normal office day. No cases that required our immediate attention or for more than an over the phone council. I thought I was actually going to have an easy day.

I was walking towards Hotch's office, to get his opinion on an over the phone council when I saw him.

Scott.

He was standing in the middle of the BAU, talking to Prentiss.

I stopped dead in my tracks, the folder in my hand shook. I watched in horror as his head turned and his eyes met mine, a smile spread across his face. I could feel my throat closing as he opened his mouth. He would give me away; I would have to leave my home.

"JJ!" He called, I could feel the breath exit my lungs; he was kind enough to let me keep my lie. I walked towards him with a smile on my face.

"Prentiss, give this to Hotch would you? It's just a council." I asked, handing her the file. She nodded and walked to Hotch's office.

"Mind if we talk?" Scott asked; I shrugged.

"In my office." I answered, turning around and walking back down the hallway; Scott followed. I closed the door behind us.

"Why haven't you written me back?" He asked as soon as the door clicked into place.

"Scott, _this _is my life. Shelby Merrick doesn't exist anymore." I said, my back to him. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

"Shelby Merrick does exist! To me and to Jess! Shelby how can you just abandon your sister? You want to know how we knew Walt was out of jail?"

I didn't answer; I just stared at him, tears gathering in my eyes. After a minute he continued.

"She had just graduated, she came to my house looking for you. I told her I hadn't heard from you since we graduated. She didn't want to go back home so she stayed the night. Walt had followed her to my house. Late in the night I heard Jess scream. Walt broke into her room. I ran in and Walt split. Jess was in the corner, rocking back and forth, whispering one thing."

"What was she whispering?" I finally chocked.

"Your name. She kept saying 'Shelby. Shelby. Shelby.' She needs you!" He said, forcing me to stare him in the eye.

"I…I didn't think. I'm not strong Scott. I've always pretended, but I'm not!" I sobbed.

"You think I can take care of a young girl? I've helped her through a lot, but she's _your _sister."

"Why do you even care? Why didn't you just take her to my aunt's or something? She lives here in the U.S." I spat.

"Because I love you Shelby! And I love your sister! Ever since she came to Horizon she was like a little sister to me. Of course I care!" He shouted back. "I couldn't just leave her somewhere, not with that…that _monster _looking for her!"

"I didn't think they'd let him go!" I shrieked, the tears streaming faster, "I thought they'd let him rot in there! Die in there! He was dying when he was arrested, I thought she was safe!"

"You could have taken her with you. You could have waited for her. But no, you just want to _forget_. You haven't changed at all! You're just like you were at Horizon; it's just a different mask. A different lie." He spat. I stopped and stared at him. He was right. Shelby wasn't gone. She was still here. I would never escape. I would always be a failure, a liar, a whore, a slut. I fell into a chair and sobbed into my hands.

"I hate _me. _I hate Shelby Merrick! I don't want to be Shelby Merrick…Jennifer Jareau is happy. I want to be happy. I don't want to be a whore! I don't want to be used." I cried.

"JJ?" Reid asked, opening the door. "I heard yelling and…are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I sniffed, looking away.

"JJ…" Reid started.

"Tell him Shelby. Tell him who you _really _are."


	3. Chapter 3

"_Is he okay? Is he still in the hospital or what?"  
_

"_I don't care. I hope he dies. I've prayed for it my whole life!" _

"_There's something you're not telling me." _

"_No." _

"_You have to tell me what happened!"_

"_I don't have to tell you anything!"_

"_He did it to you. The same thing that happened to me; he abused you, he…molested you?" _

"_No."_

"_It's not your fault. Look at me alright! You have to tell me what happened!" _

"_Just stay out of my life!" _

"_No I'm not going to just – "_

"_Just go! Just get away from me! Get away from me! Get out of my life!" _

…

"Tell him Shelby. Tell him who you _really _are."

I lifted my head to glare weakly at Scott before looking up into Reid's concerned hazel eyes. How could I tell him the truth? His eyes so round and pure, they'd never look at me the same if he knew who I was. _What _I was. I sob escaped my lips.

"Scott, don't make me." I whispered, the tears overflowing again. Reid looked between us anxiously; I could have sworn that his eyebrows would stick like that.

"All that time I wasted on you. Daisy wasted on you. _Peter _wasted on you." Scott spat coldly, my mouth fell open; I didn't know he could be so cruel.

My gaze shifted back to Reid as he knelt down in front of me; he was in profiler mode, but behind that I could see the heart of someone who _cared. _

"JJ, who are you? Really?" Reid asked; the words seemed to kill him a little inside.

"S-Shelby Merrick." I whispered; I jumped when I heard a gasp behind Reid. It was Prentiss. The minute my eyes met hers she took off down the hall, I groaned. "See what you've done Scott?"

"You brought this on yourself." He said before turning and walking out the door. I watched him leave, anger radiated through me.

"J-Shelby…what else should I know?" Reid asked, I turned my gaze from the door and looked up into his eyes. I held back a whimper of pain.

"Please…don't call me Shelby." I whispered before standing up and leaving the room to find Prentiss. I could hear Reid chasing after me, but I ignored him. Eventually I found Prentiss in Garcia's office; my name, my face filled her screens. "Hey." I chocked. Garcia and Prentiss both jumped; I smiled at them halfheartedly.

"Run away? Drug use? Prostitution?" Prentiss asked, her eyes brimming with emotion.

"JJ why did you lie to us!" Garcia cried, tears freely flowing down her cheeks. I dropped to the floor, my head on my knees.

"I was ashamed. I wanted to forget…" I answered weakly; my words were overlapped with the beeping of computers. More results. I looked up in time to see Walt's face pop up on the screen, forcing sobs out of me. I buried my head in my knees once again, rocking back and forth while Garcia and Prentiss turned to the monitors.

"Oh God!" Garcia sobbed, reading the file. I closed my eyes tighter. They knew. Soon they would all knew. My life was over. I would never escape what he had done.

…

Reid and Morgan sat in my kitchen, sipping coffee and watching me. Technically what I had done was illegal, changing my name. Fraud. When Prentiss explained to Hotch the truth about me his only reaction had been that he had do decide what to do. Whether or not he would bring this to someone's attention. Prentiss had been dumbfounded, she'd even yelled at him.

"_You don't even care what that bastard did to JJ?" She had yelled. _

"_I do. But that is not the bigger issue." He had said, not turning to face her. _

"_Hotch! She was _abused_." She said, calming down a little. _

"_And she lied about it. Committed fraud. As her boss _that _is my concern."_

I sat on my couch, wrapped in a blanket; trying to figure out how to live my life if I didn't go to jail for fraud. I was pulled out of my endless pondering when a knock sounded at my door. Morgan pulled his gun and went to answer it.

"Is Shel-JJ here?" I heard Scott ask. I let out a long sigh.

"Yeah. Come in." I choked; my voice was raspy from crying. I hated myself for crying.

"Shelby?" A female voice asked. One I hadn't heard since I graduated Horizon.

"Jess!" I breathed, jumping off the couch and running to her. Wrapping her in my arms. "Jess I'm so sorry…I thought you were safe! I thought Walt would die in jail. I never thought…"

"Shelby…" She sobbed into my neck, her arms wrapped tighter around me. Neither of us let go for a long time.

…

_He was always there. Always around me. I ran and ran, yet he was still there. My feet would move but somehow I could never get away. _

_He was in me. He ruined me. I was soiled. _

_I could never escape. _

_No matter who I was or where I went, I would always be his._

…

The next morning I woke up with a little confused. I was in pajama shorts and a tank top, lying next to my sister. It took me only a minute to remember everything. Part of me was relieved to have my sister with me again; another part of me convulsed with terror as I remembered that they all knew. All of them.

I climbed out of bed slowly and walked to the kitchen. Scott sat at my table sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Scott Barringer reading a newspaper?" I asked pouring myself a cup of coffee and sitting down across from him.

"Had to grow up. Part of the job." He said, not even bothering to look at me. I sighed and rested my head on the table.

"Scott I'm sorry." I said, lifting my head, trying to meet his eyes.

"I'm here for Jess." He said coldly, still not looking at me.

"I thought you loved me?" I asked, fighting back the tears.

"I do." He said quietly, "But honestly that doesn't matter. What matters is Jess. What matters is that you left us. You left me."


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm not going to report you, under one condition." Hotch said later that day, he called early in the morning saying he wanted to talk to me. I sat in his office watching him pace.

"What's the condition?" I asked, my voice cold. My face felt as though it was made of stone.

"You must resign from the BAU. There's no other way, if you get caught it's on me. The team will always be here for you, but we cannot continue working together. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"You change your name back. Go through FBI training all over again. Your job could still be waiting for you."

"I'll think about it." I said before leaving his office, my badge and gun on his desk. Shelby Merrick ruins everything.

…

"You lost your job?" Jess asked when I got home; she and Scott were talking and laughing on the couch when I got there. She looked up to him, I could tell. It made sense though; Scott had been taking care of her for three years now.

"I didn't have much choice. Either leave or take back my name and retrain to have the same freaking job." I said, slouching in a chair.

"What's so wrong with Shelby Merrick?" Jess asked, her eyes brimming with tears. I sighed and leaned towards her.

"I've never done anything right in my life. I left you, let him hurt you. It's my fault. It's all my fault." I said, barely holding back tears. "But as JJ, I save people. I've helped people. I can do anything!"

"You can change your name all you want, but that doesn't change who you are. It wasn't Jennifer Jareau saving all those people. It's always been Shelby Merrick." Scott said, his head resting on the back of the couch. "You might not believe that yet, but it's the truth. Shell, you _are_ strong. This whole JJ thing, it's all in your head."

"Shelby please…" Jess whispered, tears running down her cheeks.

"Would I be any different if my name was Joe Jackson? Would that make me a better person? Would that make me forget what Elaine did to me?" Scott asked, sitting forward in the chair now to look me in the eye.

"I just wanted to forget…Scott, you never did what I did. You never understood. I was a whore, and not just because of Walt. Because of every car I got into willingly. Because of every man I pleased just go get high one more time. Just to get one more pack of cigarettes. Just to get one more meal…"

"You did what you had to Shell. I almost did the same thing remember?" Jess asked, taking my hand. "If I had, I wouldn't change my name. I wouldn't run away from everyone who cares about me."

"I don't know how to live with myself." I sobbed; Jess wrapped her arms around me.

"I love you Shelby, I don't blame you! You're a good person!" She said; I wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm so sorry Jess."

…

_I could never keep my stone cold face with Jess; she always made me laugh. She was the sunshine in my own personal hell, an innocent bystander with no idea. _

_We'd laugh and play all day. She'd tell me jokes, jump rope with me. She was only five when Walt first hurt me, he promised to leave her alone if I didn't tell. _

_She was five. _

_How could I ever tell a soul? _

…

**Okay I have majors writers block but I wanted to post this part for y'all. (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hah so in this chapter I've got some Reid/JJ stuff goin' on. But fret not, there will be tons of character building; I'm just in a Reid mood.**

…

"Why JJ?" Reid asked me; he'd stopped by late in the evening. We were just sitting down to coffee.

"You read my file right?" I asked, staring into my cup.

"A file is just a file." He said; he wrapped his hands around mine – which were wrapped around the mug. "Please?"

"I was a _whore _Spence, and not in the 'he abused me and made me dirty way'; though I feel that too. I was a literal whore! Men paid me for sex, and I was barely a teen. Who would want to be that? I needed to forget. To have a clean start." I said, looking him in the eye.

"I wanted a fresh start when I had to put my mom away. God I did…so I came here. But I didn't lie about who I was!" He said; emotion filled his eyes.

"I'm sure they love hiring whores to the FBI." I spat sarcastically, letting the old me rein. "Did I mention I was barely a legal citizen when I got the job?"

"I assumed."

"Every reason I ever had doesn't make sense anymore. The whole fresh start, running away, and forgetting thing seems stupid when I see Jess. When I see Scott. I've always done the wrong thing, but running away from Scott and Jess? _That _was the worst mistake of my life." I confessed, "Everything I ever did was in an effort to protect Jess, but I abandoned her…I was just so frantic to get away from Walt, from the past."

"JJ, no matter what happened…no matter what you did, we'd all still love you the same. I do, even if you were a prostitute and a drug addict. Remember, I was a drug addict once." He said, flashing me a lopsided smile. I laughed; when the laughter subsided I touched my forehead to his hands – which were still wrapped around mine.

"Friends?" I asked, looking up at him.

"'Til death." He said, smiling broadly. I knew he was telling the truth, no matter what I did he'd be by my side. He could accept Shelby even after he'd seen perfect JJ.

Dr. Spencer Reid was, and will always be, my best friend.

…

"What you said to that Reid guy was really nice." Scott said as I closed the door behind Spence, I glared at him.

"You know it's rude to eavesdrop?" I asked; Scott just nodded. "Fine," I sighed, "it was just the truth okay? I love you Scott…I wish I could make it better. I wish I could go back and time and never leave. Go to college with you after graduation and eventually take care of Jess myself like I should have. You're right, I'm not a Jennifer."

"We can't change the past, but you can start from here. You can take care of Jess. We can be friends again." Scott said; I let out a sigh.

"Just friends?" I whispered; Scott nodded.

"I'll always love you Shelby, but you really hurt me. I can't trust you just yet." My heart sank into the pit of my stomach, shattering into a million pieces. Tears rolled down my cheeks. "Shell…"

"I understand." I whispered before walking to my bedroom.

…

"_It's poison you know, all of it, it eats you up inside. You know what's going to happen to you if you don't spit out that poison."_

"_I lose either way, if I keep it in or spit it out."_

"_Maybe. But maybe not." _

…

"I know what you did for me…" Jess whispered as I lay down in the bed next to her.

"What're you talking about?" I asked, rolling over to look her in the eye.

"I was so mad at you for leaving me, but I don't even know when he started hurting _you_. I don't ever remember him not calling you 'Kitten' or brushing the hair out of your face or off of your shoulder. I always thought he loved you more, I was jealous. You were protecting me! You let him hurt you not because you were afraid and a coward like me, but because you wanted to protect me!" She sobbed. I pulled her into my arms, holding her like I should have when he'd hurt her, when he'd come for herm when she was running for him.

"You listen to me! You are not a coward, you understand me! Jess you are so strong and so brave, you survived! Jess you are strong."

"Not as strong as you, Shell. Thank you, thank you, thank you for trying to save me from him. Thank you." Her tears fell on the pillow.

"I shouldn't have left." I sobbed.

…

"_Take care of things? Like, uh, emptying bedpans for the man who abused me? Cooking for the man who abused me? Cleaning for the man…"_

"_Shell, you've done so well since you've been here. You've learned, you've had to face some demons man and you won! You've been brave. I'm sure you can face this." _

"_Just tell me when I'm going." _

"_Your mother's coming to pick you up tomorrow." _

"_Tomorrow? I don't even get a weeks notice?" _

"_I'm sorry." _

"_Well….gotta go. My family needs me." _

"_Shelby my ultimate responsibility is to you. It's not your mother or your stepfather of even your little sister. Now, I will petition the courts and get them to adjudicate you here if that's what it takes!"_

"_No court's going to send me here! As far as they're concerned I'm already cured." _

"_What about Child Protective Services?" _

_"Forget it." _

"_Shelby I called CPS the day that you told me about your stepfather, three days later they were here and then suddenly you denied it like it never happened! I don't understand why are you protecting hi-" _

"_I'm not protecting him!" _

"_Well then help me to help you! CPS can remove you from your home if you just tell the truth! I don't get it!" _

"_You don't get it?"_

…

They could never get it; it was always about Jess. Every night he took me, it was for Jess. Every lie I told, it was for Jess. Every breath I took, it was for Jess.

She was my perfect, happy sister; I had to protect her. Peter could be mad. Scott could be mad. Hannah, Sophie, Daisy, Ezra, Auggie, and even Juliette could be mad at me.

I just wish I had known that my efforts were wasted. I wish I had known that each day I didn't tell them what happened she was being hurt.

"Jess…"


End file.
